The Eagle Newspaper

FAKE News

Boxers, Briefs rivalry reaches fevered pitch; Fruit of the Loom Purple Grape found dead.

By Greg Hopkins
Copy Editor

July 14, 2008 – This morning, at 8:00 a.m., purple grape, one of Fruit of the Loom’s notorious “Fruit Guys,” was found dead in a fruit basket at Fruit of the Loom headquarters in Bowling Green, Ky. This devastating news comes at a time of heightened violence for the undergarment industry, as major players have recently been plagued by detractors of newly introduced legislation banning possession of boxers in public gathering places. While this murder is by far the most severe in a string of recent underwear crimes, it is not the only one to garner public attention. Last week, in Memphis, Tennessee, a local K-mart opened to find that its entire inventory of “tighty whities” had been tie-dyed overnight.

Flava Flav dies in attempt to hang Big Ben from his neck

By Susie Creamcheese
Chicago Guest Writer

TV star Flavor TV star Flavor Flav died yesterday in London during a tragic accident. He was 49.

Flavor Flav, real name William Jonathan Drayton, Jr., burst onto the scene as a member of the rap group Public Enemy in the 1980s. His trademark style included hanging oversized clocks from around his neck.

In an attempt to acquire one of the world’s most famous oversized clocks, Flavor Flav traveled to the Palace of Westminster in London and offered to purchase Big Ben from Parliament for seven cases of courvoisier and three of his most expensive clocks. Parliament rejected the bid.

Crisis Corner

Dear Crisis,

I'm meeting my boyfriend’s parents for the first time and I am really nervous. We're having a bar-bque at the beach and I'm scared they'll think I'm dull and boring. Being a student and focusing solely on academics makes me feel like a bookworm. Any conversation starters to help?

Cheers,
Beach Bunny

Dear Beach Bunny,

Wow! What a perfect opportunity for you to show off the new string bikini and your dedication to the gym. Start by buttering up dad. He'll love to hear about how excited you are that his son is following in his genetic footsteps: handsome features, great physique, strong hands, big feet... Nothing is taboo when you're the girl making his son smile. For mom, let her know how much you love her baby boy and that you can't wait to recieve grandma's covetted antique Tiffany Cut diamond ring. If at any point the conversation hits a lull, turn the attention to your one and only. Contrary to popular belief, letting the Mom and Dad in on keggers and random late night guests that your boyfriend was once known for will not only make them comfortable, but they'll melt in your hand with trust and confidence.

Go get em!
Crisis