FAKE News
Boxers, Briefs rivalry reaches fevered pitch; Fruit of the Loom Purple Grape found dead.
By Greg HopkinsCopy Editor
The Fruit of the Loom gang during happier times.
July 14, 2008 – This morning,
at 8:00 a.m., purple grape,
one of Fruit of the Loom’s
notorious “Fruit Guys,” was
found dead in a fruit basket at
Fruit of the Loom headquarters
in Bowling Green, Ky. This
devastating news comes at a
time of heightened violence
for the undergarment industry,
as major players have recently
been plagued by detractors of
newly introduced legislation
banning possession of boxers
in public gathering places.
While this murder is by far
the most severe in a string of
recent underwear crimes, it is
not the only one to garner public
attention. Last week, in
Memphis, Tennessee, a local
K-mart opened to find that its
entire inventory of “tighty
whities” had been tie-dyed
overnight.
“America cannot allow this
behavior to continue. We are
going to find those who are
responsible for this atrocity,
and, please excuse my French,
we are going to juice these
fruits. If you catch my drift,”
said Senator Green Grape,
brother of Purple Grape and
author of the new legislative
measure banning comfort…
Errr, I mean boxers.
In reaction to this crime, as
of printing, Fruit of the Loom
and Hanes have announced
plans for a complete merger of
their spokespersons departments
to form an elite crimefighting
unit named “the
Blender.”
Michael Jordan, former
NBA player and Hanes
spokesman, had this to say
about the news: “On the outside
it may not have seemed
like it, but Purple Grape and I
were real close. We were constantly
fighting each other for
market share, but outside of
work, when the gloves were
off, he was one of my best
friends. In the 90’s when I
tricked off and started playing
baseball, who do you think it
was that showed me the light
and convinced me to return to
basketball? Ill tell you who. It
was Purple Grape. Who do
you think is the godparent to
my children? That’s right,
Purple Grape. We are going to
get these guys; we won’t let
them get away with this. You
can’t play basketball in boxers;
there just isn’t enough
support.”
While popular public outcry
is unquestionably in support
of Purple Grape and his
family, there are still people
who question the motives of
the new legislation.
“This just isn’t right. If a
man wants to wear loose fitting
underwear, then let him.
Maybe he just isn’t packing as
well as some others, and he
doesn’t want everyone to
know,” said George Bush,
President of the United States,
and devout boxer supporter
and wearer. “We aren’t all so
lucky, you know, and if this
murder was necessary to
spread this message, then I’m
glad I ordered him killed.
Wait, could you erase that last
bit?”
While the nation remains
divided on the issue of undergarment
legislation, it remains
unified in mourning the loss
of Purple Grape. Funeral services
will be held at his home in
Seedless, CA. on July 21,
which, as sources close to the
Eagle reveal, were already
planned, as that was scheduled
to be his expiration date anyway.